Fw: Martha will NOT be dining with us this year.

[Greg Newell]

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!



Greg Newell





>  Thanksgiving
>
>
>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling
>you
>in advance, so don't act surprised.
>Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
>
>
>Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.
>After a
>trial  run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of
>flaming
>lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
>
>Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated
>with
>the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make.
>
>Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them
>track
>in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard.
>The mud was their idea.
>
>The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china,
>or
>crystal goblets.
>  If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone
>will get a fork.
>Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter
>Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
>
>Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
>promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration
>hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.
>The artist assures me  it is a turkey.
>
>We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while
>you
>wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have
>made
>regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.
>Please remember that most of these comments were made at
>5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut
>diamonds.
>
>As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of
>tribal
>drumming.
>If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
>drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
>turkey in
>a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
>
>
>We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the
>start
>of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.
>
>We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke
>alarm
>sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
>In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate
>table. In a separate room. Next door.
>
>
>Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey  in
>
>front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.
>This will not be happening at our dinner.
>For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I
>stress
>"private" meaning:
>Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not
>
>send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress.
>  I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.
>
>It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
>
>I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that
>"passing
>the rolls" is not a football play.
>Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty
>bread.
>
>Before I forget, there is one last change.
>Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts,
>we
>will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream
>and
>small fingerprints.
>You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.
>
>Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving!
>
>
>
>________________________________________________________________
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Greg Newell
mailto:gnewell@ameritech.net

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