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Sorry I didn't have these for yesterday:
ST. PATRICK'S DAY GROANERS
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered!
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
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Cecil shares this one:
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. She changed (slightly) the lyrics to one of her favorite songs, as follows:
"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad."
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
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How To Keep Your Sanity
Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
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And finally,
Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.
This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her Dearest or Darling within earshot of the waiters.
When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued. Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.
"Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the maitre d'.
"Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."
-$3 ("If you don't like the news, go out and make some.")
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