Termites!

[Ron Nossaman]

>Has anyone used any pesticide to tent and gas a piano for termites? Brand?
>Where to purchase? Effectiveness? Thanks. Anyone know how to tell if termite
>damage is old, or whether the termites might still be active (besides
>waiting a year or two to see if the piano weighs less)? Thanks again.
>
>Terry Farrell

Termites live on cellulose, but can't digest it by themselves. They need
the bacteria that live in their guts to break the stuff down for them.
Without the bacteria, they're dead. Kill the bacteria - kill the termites.
Sprinkle a couple of hands full of wood flour liberally laced with
Amoxicillin around inside the piano and shrink wrap the sucker in Visqueen
and duct tape, evacuating excess oxygen with your mother's Electrolux. If
your mother doesn't own an Electrolux, get yourself one that does. Orick
owners need not apply. Only the best will do in this case. Surround the
piano with florescent ultraviolet lights, and play Barry Manilo tapes or
CDs at obscenely high volume with the (three or more) speakers carefully
oriented to triangulate as closely as is reasonably possible on the A-4
unison bridge pins for a couple of weeks. It is reported that Barry Manilo
songs at a high enough volume (anything over 60 db) will, all by
themselves, eventually extinguish all life forms within earshot, be they
mono cellular or not, irregardless of the decisions and subsequent actions
regarding deployment of the Amoxicillin laced wood four, or any other form
of random auxiliary enhancement. Toxicity, apparently, will ultimately
tell. Installation of a cellular phone in the wrapped and toxicisified
piano, by which random taunts, jibes, annoyances, harassments, and general
morale depressants may be electronically delivered to the termitus targetus
by pre-programmed speed dialing through the middle frequencies of the
electromagnetic spectrum, where little peripheral precipitant is left
requiring rinsing of the practitioner will serve to, if not kill termites,
at least supply some retributional gratification to he who attempts such.
The limited battery charge life of the average cell phone does, however,
tend to limit the ultimate long range effectiveness of this enhancement.
Proceed as you deem necessary and reasonable.

Then there's always the time honored method of shouting "COME OUT,
TERMITES" and whacking those that do with your favored choice of hammer.
This is immensely gratifying in the short term, but you should be aware
that it only tends to increase the average intelligence level of the
remaining termites. While it's interesting in a Darwinesque sort of way,
this might not ultimately prove to be the best approach. Guilt, you will
find, also begins to play a real part in the exercise within a relatively
short time, and it just quits being fun.

Automobile compactors are quite effective, as are pyrotechnics and extended
immersion in nearly any liquid, but the anticipated detrimental effects to
the instrument would seem to be prohibitive. Perhaps Voodo? Anyone got
Marie La Beaux's phone number?

(Strings on top indeed)
  
Ron N