Air Piano (was Air Car)

[Billbrpt@AOL.COM]

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Hey!  How about an Air Piano?  One that tunes itself all by means of 
compressed air stored in tanks right next to the humidifier!  On each tuning 
pin, there will be a permanently installed socket operated by an air powered 
solenoid.  All you'll have to do before playing the piano (which means 
inserting the disk and pressing the "Play" button because nobody will need or 
have time to learn to play the piano anymore), is move the dial indicator to 
the "Tune" mode and press "Start".

The whole process is expected to take only 3 or 4 minutes.  Over each unison, 
there will be a magnetic pickup which will sense the pitch or the string as 
it is.  The Player System's special tune disc will play each note (starting 
on A0 and continuing through to C88) and feed the signal into a permanently 
installed tuning system based on a hybrid combination of the SAT, RCT, 
Tunelab and Verituner but all installed out of sight and out of mind.

The tuning program will send a signal to the air powered solenoid which will 
instantly adjust the pitch of the string to the desired, programmed choice 
with a quick, jarring movement similar to that of the impact tuning hammer.  
The difference between the new, high tech, auto tuning and the old fashioned 
manual tuning will be that the Air Piano's tuning system will get it right 
the first time and every time and you won't have a bill to pay!

You won't be limited to ET either.  The tuning system comes with a disc with 
all of the known tuning and temperament arrangements ever conceived (except 
for the outlawed 1/7 Comma Meantone and EBVT) from Pythagorean to 19 TET.  
Included will be the meanest of the Meantones (except the 1/7), the Thomas 
Young and the Thomas not so young, morphed into the Vallotti with three fold 
Wolf substitution, the Marpurgs A-Z, the best and the worst of the 
Broadwoods, including the usual, all the way to ET with pure 5ths and of 
course the good ol' ET with not so pure 5ths.  You'll even have the choice of 
a mild Reverse Well for pieces by Chopin if that suits your taste.

The new Air Pianos are expected to be on display at the Winter NAMM show of 
2020.  The expected cost of the Air Piano Auto Tuning System will only be 
$350 in addition to the usual cost of the piano.  The amazingly low cost will 
be due to cheap labor from Afghanistan whose entire society is willing to 
work for an average wage of about $1 a month, never having known anything 
better.

Further expected developments in the new Air Pianos will be self cleaning, 
self aligning and self regulating systems.  The industry foresees no need for 
self key leveling systems because the piano which by this time will be 
completely automatic, will have no need for manual play.  Instead, there will 
be some imitation plastic keys which will never need leveling but will also 
have no function except the nostalgic one for people who remember when pianos 
used to have to be manually played and serviced.

The inventor is Mr. Otto Keys of Peoria, Illinois.  His idea has been 
purchased by Kimball International, a hugely successful company with very 
deep pockets who has decided to reenter the piano business after a long 
hiatus.  "We don't plan on retrofitting any of our old product, they're 
obsolete", says CEO Robert Wisenheimer who recently came on board after 
leaving his position at Dial Soap.  "We're introducing an entirely new 
product line where none of the mistakes of the past will be repeated".  

Bill Bremmer RPT
Madison, Wisconsin
 <A HREF="http://www.billbremmer.com/">Click here: -=w w w . b i l l b r e m m e r . c o m =-</A> 

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